i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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