I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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