I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
