Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
