I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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