Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
