Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
