She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
