I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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