Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
home. puking in laundry basket.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
