just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
