I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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