Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
My vagina is officially offended.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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