So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie