I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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