I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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