____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
