Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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