i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
