Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
