just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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