Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
