you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
