I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
