his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Randomize
