you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
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