she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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