I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
