Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
it was like having sex with a tree stump
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
