apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
