who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Randomize
