first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize