I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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