Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
