he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Life without a bra equals bliss.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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