He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
