The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
even my farts smell like vagina
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
