Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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