so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
