just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
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last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
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I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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