I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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