remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
