He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
