Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
