well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
