i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
