So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
We left the knife in your bed.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
