i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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