A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
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