i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
