Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Randomize
