I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
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