I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
