I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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